milestones.

exactly one year ago today i sat in the treatment room and received my last infusion, marking the end of a long, treacherous journey through the world of chemo. i was beaten down mentally and physically and couldn't even begin to envision what a year out from that day would feel like. today, just getting out of bed reminds me how wonderful life is, and how fortunate i am to be here to live it.

and, i never imagined how emotional this day would be. i've been excited for it to come, because now i'm a year out of chemo...which is a huge milestone. the end of april will be the end of all of my treatments, which is a really, really big deal...but this is a huge day, too. but really what keeps getting me all choked up is thinking about the love and support i was surrounded with through the toughest time of my life, especially the three most important people in my world. so, this one is for them...

dad...you are the best treatment buddy i could have ever, ever asked for. you faithfully came to every single appointment, scan, procedure and treatment i asked you to. and, you made it bearable to sit through three and a half hours of drugs being pumped into me. i remember looking up from my first biopsy and seeing you behind the glass with the doctor. you cheered me on when i was having my lung capacity tested. you made inappropriate jokes about marketing new products to cancer patients, and making me laugh uncontrollably when i just wanted to cry because i felt so sick. i remember the sheer joy on your face anytime we heard good news, and how many times you would repeat it just to hear it...which is exactly what i needed you to do. and i remember how terrified you were every single time you had to face any of it...but you did it because i needed you to, and i couldn't have done it without you.

mum...there has never been anyone who i'd rather take care of me when i'm sick. i counted on you after every treatment to come check on me every hour, to be a phone call away when you were right downstairs but i didn't have the strength to bed out of bed, and to put up with my all over the place emotions. i counted on you to take me to the hospital for my surgeries, and to take me to get coffee and lunch after. i counted on you to take me shopping to get my mind off everything else. i counted on you to come running every time i yelled your name, even if i just wanted you to sit with me. you're the best mother and friend i could have ever asked for...and no one makes toast like you do.

luke...there's something special about someone who asks someone out knowing they're in the middle of cancer treatment. and then someone who wants to spend the days after treatment with that person because 'it's about the bad days, too'. and, someone who can stand by another person through the good, bad, and the ugly. you came into my life at a time when i was struggling to make sense of everything, where i was having a hard time pushing forward, and where i just needed something to make it all worth it. you're my hero...you made me excited for every day, you gave me a reason to keep smiling, and you filled a hole in my life that i didn't even know existed. you are the best thing that's ever happened to me and you give my life a sense of purpose that makes it wonderful to just be alive.

...there are so many things to be grateful for today, for my health, my progress and just for this day. i'm so blessed, and these words don't even do it justice.

total, unfiltered honesty...

the start of a new year is a huge milestone. this could be the first year in two years that i don't have cancer treatment. this is going to be the year i get married. this year is going to be a lot of wonderful things. this is also the year that i'm really going to start pushing myself to use my cancer experience for the better. i'll be starting a several week long support group facilitator training in a couple weeks, i'm going to join the buddy program, i've been asked to speak at the hospital ethics grand rounds, and i'm going to begin my oncology placement next fall, which i hope will be the start of a wonderful career.

there is, however, a lot of work i need to do personally in order to be able to give fully of myself. i know that one of my biggest weaknesses is not being totally honest when things aren't positive. i have absolutely no trouble being positive with people, but i hold back from sharing frustrations, dissatisfaction and my struggles. this came up in my field placement this semester and taught me a huge lesson professionally. but, as i have learned, just about everything we learn in our program can be applied to our lives. and, as much as i hate to admit it, i have totally belittled the amount of struggle i have faced with cancer. partly to protect others from feeling sorry for me, or from worrying...but partly because it's how i coped.

i'm so quick to tell other cancer warriors that they need to be honest about their struggles that i have forgotten to be honest about mine. so, i feel like i owe it to myself and to everyone else who has and will fight this battle to be honest. it may not be an inspirational or insightful post, but it's real, and it needs to be done...

cancer is a huge deal. hearing cancer is one of the most frightening things i have ever experienced, but it was nothing compared to what came after that. physically, cancer is the worst thing i could ever imagine. i know it's not the worst thing possible, but it totally sucks. i always said 'it could be worse'...and, yes, it could be, and i feel fortunate that it wasn't. but, really, it was absolutely terrible. there was the pain when i was recovering from the various procedures before being diagnosed. the kind of pain where you can't take a deep breath without severe pain, can't sleep, can't raise your arms over your head, can't get dressed and can't function completely. then there was the constant sickness for months on end...the kind of sickness that brought me to tears on several occasions because i knew i just had to wait it out. it's like eating something that makes you violently ill, and so you never eat it again. except, i didn't have the choice to not do it again...i had to do it twelve times. each time knowing that i would get sick, and i'd stay sick for at least three days. some days i would just cry because i knew i still had a day to go and i wanted nothing more than to not be miserable. and to add insult to injury, i was losing more of my hair each time, i was so tired i couldn't do anything, and i was having a really hard time remembering what it was like to feel normal.

but the physical struggles don't even compare to the emotional struggles. just wrapping your head around the idea that you have cancer, a disease that could kill you, in your mid-twenties (or at any age) is unimaginable. and that doesn't just fade. it doesn't matter how many times you're told you're doing well...once you've been hit with having to face your mortality, you're changed forever. there's all the 'why me', the survivor guilt, the fear of the unknown, and all of these things that just stay with you. while the rest of the world assumes that when you feel and look better physically that you carry on emotionally, they're wrong. sure, it might get a little easier to hide, and there may be more positive things happening in life to keep you smiling...but it still hurts, and it's challenging every single day. i still have moments where i'm ecstatic that i'm getting married in the fall...and then i stop and think 'what if my cancer comes back?', 'what if i have children some day and i can't be there to see them grow up?'. some of you who haven't experienced cancer are probably thinking 'you shouldn't focus on those things...you're doing well, you'll be fine'. that's the biggest challenge. those what ifs will always be there...it's not crazy for us to think about them all the time, in fact, it's totally normal for a cancer survivor to worry for the rest of their life about these things. it's all part of the process. but, it's emotionally draining to always have a nagging worry in the back of your mind. to live in a world where everyone expects you to be back to normal, and to be ecstatic about beating cancer. but, beating cancer is a long, long process. perhaps i've beat it physically, but every time i think about something scary, i realize i'm still fighting cancer on another level. it's coming to terms with the fact that i'll have to fight it for years...maybe for the rest of my life. and, that's alright. it is what it is, but i need to admit to myself that it's tough, that it's unlike anything i've ever dealt with before, and that it's valid.

and while all of this may sound overwhelmingly sad, it's not. cancer is, in a weird way, the best thing that's ever happened to me. it's made my entire being more real. i appreciate everything in this world more than i ever have, and i have such a depth in every aspect of my life now. but, the beauty in life doesn't come without a struggle. i confront cancer on a daily basis, and while the physical healing has been relatively easy...the emotional healing is much, much more difficult. and i certainly wasn't doing myself, or anyone else, any favors by saying 'oh, it's not actually that bad'...because, you know what? it was...and i owe it to every warrior out there to be totally honest. and not just about the wonderful parts of this journey...

snow, coffee, and an update...

there are few things i love more than sitting around in the morning, drinking coffee and watching snow fall...it's just so peaceful, and a wonderful reminder of how beautiful the world is.

i also owe you all (or those of you who still read this thing) an update. especially since i just had a really important visit at dana farber in boston. i went down just over a week ago for a scan, blood work and a visit with my oncologist. for those of you who missed it, i have decided to drive to boston for my follow up every three months...while it's a little out of the way, my oncologist there is totally worth it. she was telling me that she sometimes gets criticized by her colleagues for being too positive...clearly, that's why we get along so well. anyways...for the news you really care about. my scan was totally clean...my residual masses have shrunk about one centimeter in the last three months, and now measure 5x3.1cm...compared to 17x10x10cm at diagnosis...that's about a 70% reduction overall, pretty fantastic! and, it has continued to shrink, which is even better than just staying the same! blood work was excellent, and my exam was pretty stellar, too. the only odd thing i have left is a ringing in my ears that worsens with alcohol consumption. my oncologist has no idea and has never seen it before but thinks it may be because of the vinblastine (the V in ABVD). my pcp also had no idea, and they both suggested i could see an ENT, but i told them i'm all set with meeting any new specialists.

so, health wise, life is good. in other news, we're planning our wedding, which is super fun! it's so nice to be looking to the future and having so many wonderful things happening. i really am so fortunate to be marrying my best friend...he's such a blessing in my life. i'm also currently on a two week break from all my responsibilities, which is a much needed mental break for me. no classes, no papers to write, no field placement hours to complete...just me and my own schedule. so nice.

for those warriors still in treatment...just know that life does get better, and there is life after treatment, and it's fantastic! i don't like to say there's life after cancer, because i think cancer will always be a part of our lives (hopefully in a productive, remind us of our perspective kind of way).... but, i remember thinking that treatment would never end, and when it did, i remember thinking that my anxiety would never get better and i'd never have a 'normal' life again. i have no idea when life got back to a new normal, but it did...and while it'll never be the same again, i really do think it's so much better. the best advice i ever got, and that i always pass along, is to take it one day at a time and to not get too far ahead of yourself. i always say "if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, eventually you'll get where you need to be". of course there are still struggles, but like anything else...once you've beat cancer, it feels as though there's nothing you can't do.

i did have some more profound thoughts that i had intended to share, but those may have to wait for another day.... i will do my best to add some blog and coffee time into my schedule over the next few weeks. happy holidays!

lots to be thankful for.

last year, i wrote a post of all the things i was thankful for (find it here). i was certainly in a different place last year, and to be able to look back just makes me realize how much more i have to be thankful for this year. so, in starting a new tradition, here's what i'm thankful for this year...


for life. this one still tops the list. i have a unique opportunity at a young age to appreciate the fact that i wake up every day, to realize that life is delicate, and that none of us are promised tomorrow. i feel fortunate to get that, and to be able to live the rest of my life just being thankful to be here, to make new memories, and to enjoy the beauty of the world.

for love. just over a year ago, i went out for coffee with a man who i knew instantly was meant to be in my life. he's my best friend, my greatest source of strength, and the best partner in life i could ever ask for. for those of you who don't already know...we got engaged last friday, and i could not be more excited. i'm so fortunate to have him in my life, and i'm reminded of that every day.

for family. i'm blessed to have a loving and supportive family, and i'm blessed to be marrying into a family that i love. and, i'm blessed that our families also adore each other. i know that's rare, and i feel very fortunate.

for friends and fellow warriors. for those friends who stuck it out and proved what true friendship means. and, especially for those friends i've made along the way...my fellow warriors who serve as a constant reminder that life is beautiful, and it's our job to live it.

for feeling healthy. a year ago yesterday i had my interim PET scan that showed i was technically in remission. every day since finishing treatment i've felt better, and while i still struggle with some things...i feel better today than i have in years.

for modern medicine. even though chemotherapy sucks, and radiation is no fun, seventy years ago everyone who was diagnosed with hodgkin's would die. today, most are cured...and while i know too many who aren't, there are still options beyond a cure.

for being a student. odd, eh? definitely thankful for the opportunity to pursue a career i'm excited about, and to be furthering my education. sure, it has it's moments, but it really is a wonderful thing.

for having hair. and that it came back curly. and for having eyebrows. really, everything about this one is something to be so thankful for.

for the cancer experience. yea, i know it sounds odd.... and i'm not thankful for the disease. the experience, however, shook up everything i knew, forced me to face things i never wanted to, and gave me an opportunity to learn about myself and life in a way that wouldn't have happened without cancer.


...the list really could go on. i just feel so fortunate this year. just to wake up every day, to be surrounded with love, and to be able to look forward. life is a beautiful thing, and if you don't stop and appreciate it...you'll miss everything.

october update.

it's the last day of the month...so it's time for an update!

halloween last year was a little rough...i remember getting treatment on that friday, and all the nurses were dressed in costume. it was the first time i got really, really sick from treatment...so, i still have a little nausea thinking about that one. ugh. thank goodness for feeling healthy this year.

life is fantastic right now...almost through my first semester in my MSW program (crazy), and have been fortunate to find my 'groove' with the work load, and don't feel stressed or overwhelmed anymore. and, it seems i've somehow avoided the chemo brain - i've been able to pull all A's so far, which i'm pretty proud of. i was so sure i'd suffer from lasting chemo brain, but i decided to go for it anyways. aside from a little problem with my attention span (it almost feels like i have ADHD), i have no complaints of any cognitive difficulty. it's funny what you feel grateful for.

i've been networking with the oncology world up here, and plan to start shadowing the oncology social worker at the hospital, as well as the pain and palliative care social worker, and perhaps a few others. i'm really nervous to find out where my own 'stuff' comes up, but i'm more excited than anything...and i know i have to manage this challenge before i can do good work on my own next year when i actually do my placement in oncology.

life outside of school is wonderful, too. we've been enjoying the beautiful fall weather, and really taking in the beauty of the little things. apple picking, pumpkin spice lattes, the leaves changing, the crisp air...all things that remind me how beautiful life is. fall is by far my favorite season, and i feel fortunate to be able to take it all in this year. i even made my first apple pie (i've always just aided my dad in making his)!

i'm also learning a lesson in keeping perspective. once you've received a cancer diagnosis, your life is forever changed. but, once the physical battle is over, it's easy to fall back into a pattern of life and forget the perspective you promised yourself you'd hang on to for dear life once this was over. i have forgotten many times. mostly when i started school, and i was running myself into the ground trying to get all my work done...and then beating myself up when i couldn't. my stress level sky-rocketed, and i realized i wasn't really spending as much quality time with the ones i love...or taking time for myself. then, i reminded myself of what my priorities actually were. my health and my loved ones definitely come before school. it's not that i'm not totally invested in school, because i am...it's just that i don't want to put so much into school that i'm not living the life i want. lots of people have said..."well it's just two years and then i'll get back to my life". what i realize, that most don't, is that we're not promised tomorrow, let alone two years from now. and, i get that in a way that's more real than i would have ever imagined. so, while so many people have put their lives on hold for the next two years...i've decided to keep living. i'll work hard and invest myself in my education and my career...but not to the expense of the rest of my life. i want to make sure that i can go to bed every night knowing that if i didn't have tomorrow, that i was happy with today. life really is one day at a time, and it's our responsibility to make sure that we live each day with that in mind. so, when i get stressed, or lose my perspective for a minute, i stop and remind myself where i've been...

it's all about balance. and perspective. cancer warriors, always remember how lucky we are to have that.

trying to be where my feet are.

holy moly! i can't believe it's been over a month since i wrote on here. and, truthfully, i have thought about it almost every day and felt guilty for not writing...but i'm just SO busy. and that's a very, very good thing.

what's happened in the last month.... in the cancer side of my life, i passed some serious milestones. september 16th was a year since i was diagnosed, and september 25th was a year since i had my first chemo treatment. i passed both of them with less anxiety than i thought i'd have...but that's probably because i was too busy with school. i continue to feel amazing. i visited dana farber at the end of august, and was given a clean bill of health, and decided that's where i'll do all my follow up...for now. i had annual blood work with my primary care doc, and everything looked amazing. most exciting was my iron...when i was diagnosed my iron was 9 and my saturation was 4%. i was told it was anemia from the cancer, and once we treated the cancer, it'd correct itself. i guess i was doubtful, i didn't think it'd be that simple...but i guess it was. my iron is now 74 and 24% saturation. so crazy how the body works...it still amazes me.

in my other life, things are wonderful. i started my masters in social work at the end of august, and while it's sufficiently kicking my butt, i love every second of it. between five classes, four days a week at my internship, and a research assistant position for some social work professors, i hardly have time to breathe. but i credit my sanity in the cancer part of my life a lot to how busy i am...and how much i love what i'm doing...and how good i feel about where i am. i also have a cool opportunity to process my own 'stuff' that i've picked up from cancer and other parts of my life. there's a huge belief in the social work curriculum that if you can't identify your own stuff and where it comes up in your work, you can't do good work. it's an interesting ride, i'm just trying to soak it up as much as i can between all the work they make us do.

so, things are good. i'm still trying to figure out how my cancer life and non-cancer life intersect, and when it'll feel like i'm one person again. i think this will definitely happen when i start to work in oncology, but i'm hoping to figure it out a little bit before then so i don't do anything too damaging when i'm working with a cancer patient and find myself in the midst of my own stuff. but, like everything else, i'm just trying to ride it out, and as one of my classmates said 'trying to be where my feet are'.

re-building

it seems that i'm slowly working through the high anxiety phase of life post-treatment, and entering a new phase...one where i get to take control and re-build my body, my mind and my life.

i think a lot of the anxiety had to do with my scan...and waiting to find out if i was cancer free, if i could move on with life, or if i'd find myself back in, well, a place i don't ever want to be in again. and, then, i had my scan, and found out i was cancer free. you'd think, and i had fully expected, to be ecstatic and go on to celebrate for days on end. let me assure you, it went nothing like that. a lot of that had to do with the way the news was delivered (in a not so super excited way), but it just seemed to be that i had been granted permission to continue to live without cancer. there are no guarantees i'm cured, or that i don't have any other issues...just that, for now, i'm free of cancer. and, don't get me wrong, that's a wonderful place to be in, but it's certainly not what i expected it to be. i know it will get easier as time goes on, but i think in some way, we're all waiting for a doctor to tell us that we'll be perfectly fine...but it's cancer, and life - there are no such promises.

so, as i learn to accept the reality that i will live life in three month increments for a while, i have to continue to push forward and have hope that every doctor's visit will be permission to live a little longer. of course, that sounds silly, and you're thinking 'no one can tell you to live...you have to do it anyways'. well, yes...and i am, i'm starting my master's, i'm getting back to my healthy self, and i'm moving forward...but, there will be hesitation for a while, and that's just a part of this crazy journey i've found myself on.

but, in the meantime, i've begun to re-build. cancer puts your life on hold from the time you're diagnosed to the time you finish treatment. again, you may say 'you should always continue to live', and again you're right, but there are definite limitations. cancer takes a lot of things away from you - mental and physical health, progress towards long term goals, money, and so on. and, it's not like once you finish treatment those things easily come back...you're tired, you're worn down, you're emotional, and you have no idea who you are. you really have to work hard to re-build, and i don't think anyone should expect it to come easy.

perhaps my biggest challenge has been dealing with the emotional fall-out of cancer survivorship. i went from someone who's always been well psychologically, to someone who could really use help getting through a really tough time. and, as someone who's never needed help in this area, it was really hard to accept it. but, working with a counselor (and one who only deals with cancer patients/survivors) was the best thing i could have done for myself and everyone in my life. i've learned to recognize and accept the emotions and phases i experience on this end of the cancer journey, and i've learned ways to get through each of them. cancer is tough...but, emotionally, survivorship is tougher. it doesn't make you weak to need help.

i've also taken a new pride in re-building my health. this, also, isn't easy. i'm still tired, a little overwhelmed, and really busy. but, let's face it...in all the things we can't control about our health, there are many things we can control. i know i had some pretty harsh treatment that will put me at a higher risk of some serious health conditions - many of which are now out of my control. however, i know i can control whether or not i get out of bed every morning and go for my run. some days, this is about as easy as it was to convince myself to go to a counselor...but, every piece of evidence in the world says exercise is vital for health. and, to know you're doing something good for yourself every day is an amazing feeling.

and, lastly, i'm pushing forward towards those long term goals i put on hold for the last year. i start my master's in social work a week from monday...the first step in what i know will be an amazing career as an oncology social worker. everyone keeps telling me how much work it will be, and how stressed i'll be. yes, it will be a lot of work. but i really do believe that if i can survive a year with cancer, that i can certainly get through a master's degree, too.

so, three months and three weeks out of treatment, i can say that with each day...life is better, and this journey becomes more and more of a blessing. i've learned so much in the last year, and while it's the toughest journey i've ever been on, i've definitely realized that nothing worthwhile ever comes without a fight. when things come easy we often don't appreciate them as we should...and now, i get to feel grateful to simply wake up every day and do something to make my life, and the life of others, more meaningful.

for those of you in a phase of this journey where you can't see the other side (especially you texas warriors), just know that you'll get there, and that this challenge you're facing...whatever it is...is part of the path we're on, and that there's something to be gained from it. just put one foot in front of the other, and you'll get to where you need to be.