a year ago...

...my entire world changed. a year ago yesterday was the day i found out i had a large mass in my chest, and that i probably had cancer. i spent the weekend in fear, and going through what i imagine everyone does when you hear you probably have cancer. so, this year, i'm spending a lot of time this weekend reflecting. reflecting on how thankful i am to be on the 'other side', not to be in the same place i was last year, and for how far i've come...

over the last year i've handled the toughest challenges life has ever thrown at me...physically, mentally and emotionally. and, i know i'm a better person because of it. i feel as though i've been totally grounded...i feel as though i'm finally the person i always wanted to be. i no longer worry (as much) about the little things, i don't get caught up in meaningless drama that so many people around me do. i've realized that these things don't matter, and are so small on the scale of things we could possibly be dealt. every time i face an issue, i remind myself that it's not worse than what i've been through in the past year. it's not that these little things don't bother me...they often do. it's just that now i realize that things are as they are...and that there's always a way to get through something. if i can push myself through a year with cancer, i can certainly push myself through the every day challenges life throws my way...

i've also developed more depth and understanding of my own emotions. i remember a fellow survivor telling me before this all started that her highs are now much higher, and her lows are lower. i guess the best way to say it is that if emotions were colors, all of mine would be more bold than they ever have been. and, of course, with a heightened range of emotion i experience sadness and fear more than ever before...but that allows me to recognize how happy i am, and to find joy and excitement in the little things each and every day.

and, i have direction. i know what i want to do with my life, and i've had a serious fire lit under me that will propel me forward towards that goal...even when it gets tough. i feel like i've found my place in this world, and that my experiences this past year (and those that will continue forever) have been totally worth it to be where i am now.

so, this year, as i spend this weekend reflecting on where i was at this exact same time last year...i'm so grateful. not just to be on the 'other side', but to have come out of this a better, and more real person than i ever have been. i'm more genuine, and more 'me'...and, now i feel as though i actually know who 'me' is. it's a wonderful feeling. but, of course, this feeling of total happiness doesn't come without moments of sadness and fear of the unknown. but, i wouldn't trade where i am now for anything in the world...