March 9, 2011

milestones.


exactly one year ago today i sat in the treatment room and received my last infusion, marking the end of a long, treacherous journey through the world of chemo. i was beaten down mentally and physically and couldn't even begin to envision what a year out from that day would feel like. today, just getting out of bed reminds me how wonderful life is, and how fortunate i am to be here to live it.

and, i never imagined how emotional this day would be. i've been excited for it to come, because now i'm a year out of chemo...which is a huge milestone. the end of april will be the end of all of my treatments, which is a really, really big deal...but this is a huge day, too. but really what keeps getting me all choked up is thinking about the love and support i was surrounded with through the toughest time of my life, especially the three most important people in my world. so, this one is for them...

dad...you are the best treatment buddy i could have ever, ever asked for. you faithfully came to every single appointment, scan, procedure and treatment i asked you to. and, you made it bearable to sit through three and a half hours of drugs being pumped into me. i remember looking up from my first biopsy and seeing you behind the glass with the doctor. you cheered me on when i was having my lung capacity tested. you made inappropriate jokes about marketing new products to cancer patients, and making me laugh uncontrollably when i just wanted to cry because i felt so sick. i remember the sheer joy on your face anytime we heard good news, and how many times you would repeat it just to hear it...which is exactly what i needed you to do. and i remember how terrified you were every single time you had to face any of it...but you did it because i needed you to, and i couldn't have done it without you.

mum...there has never been anyone who i'd rather take care of me when i'm sick. i counted on you after every treatment to come check on me every hour, to be a phone call away when you were right downstairs but i didn't have the strength to bed out of bed, and to put up with my all over the place emotions. i counted on you to take me to the hospital for my surgeries, and to take me to get coffee and lunch after. i counted on you to take me shopping to get my mind off everything else. i counted on you to come running every time i yelled your name, even if i just wanted you to sit with me. you're the best mother and friend i could have ever asked for...and no one makes toast like you do.

luke...there's something special about someone who asks someone out knowing they're in the middle of cancer treatment. and then someone who wants to spend the days after treatment with that person because 'it's about the bad days, too'. and, someone who can stand by another person through the good, bad, and the ugly. you came into my life at a time when i was struggling to make sense of everything, where i was having a hard time pushing forward, and where i just needed something to make it all worth it. you're my hero...you made me excited for every day, you gave me a reason to keep smiling, and you filled a hole in my life that i didn't even know existed. you are the best thing that's ever happened to me and you give my life a sense of purpose that makes it wonderful to just be alive.

...there are so many things to be grateful for today, for my health, my progress and just for this day. i'm so blessed, and these words don't even do it justice.

4 comments:

  1. my dear cancer free daughter,

    what a blessing today brings. I pray that one day you and Luke will know what it is to look into your child's eyes and feel the depth of connection that defines you from that point on. to be unable to protect your child from something as devastating as cancer is debilitating, but to be present to celebrate its defeat is an honor to be cherished forever. I am grateful for your health, your energy, your friendship, your appreciation for the love surrounding you, and most of all for your life.
    God bless your good health. I love you. Mumma

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  2. "There could never be a father who loved his daughter more than I love you" (Paul Simon, Father and Daughter)

    Grace, when you hear that song, think of us. I'll always be there for you, with love, always. Dad

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  3. CONGRATS! Major milestones feel so good, don't they? Thinking of you always love!

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  4. congratulations x (from random fellow lymphoma survivor)

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