the universe really does have a way of working things out...

everything has its own place and function. that applies to people, although many don't seem to realize it, stuck as they are in the wrong job, the wrong marriage, or the wrong house. when you know and respect your inner nature, you know where you belong. you also know where you don't belong.
-the tao of pooh

i really do believe there's some sort of universal power that sets each of us on a path. however, i think so many people are so caught up in trying to make it through life that they aren't open to being in tune with the universe and their own intuition. as a result, we often miss the path we're supposed to be on. call it crazy, but i think until cancer shook things up for me, i wasn't able to really see the path i was on. to prove my theory, i'm going to tell the parts of my story that lead me to believe this way...

back in '08 i was in graduate school studying public policy. i realized how much i hated it, and needed out...but had no idea where i needed to go. i was ready to move to washington d.c., but had a gut feeling it wasn't the right thing to do. backed out last minute and moved back to portland. without money and living in an apartment that i couldn't afford, i applied for any job i could find and ended up at starbucks. i've never, ever been one to really value health insurance, but since they offered such good benefits i figured 'why the heck not' and signed up for the least expensive health insurance for no other reason than to tout my independence. our insurance plan allowed us a fully covered well exam (hadn't had one since the one you have before college), so i went to the site and chose the doctor who looked the nicest, but she wasn't seeing new patients for months, so i let it go (i figured i didn't really need a primary care doctor anyways). went to my annual gyn appointment, and ended up needing a follow up with a primary care...she asked who mine was, and i threw out the name of the doctor i thought was the nicest, even though i knew i wasn't an established patient of hers. sure enough, a week later i had an appointment with that primary care doctor (other doctors can make anything happen). four months later, that doctor saved my life.

that's just the path to diagnosis.... a series of fortunate coincidences? perhaps. following my gut feeling on a lot of different things? yes. i say it was intuition. the universe knew what needed to happen, and who's care i needed to be in...

now for the part i really have enjoyed.... when i moved back to portland i wanted to figure out what i wanted to do with my life. having spent my entire college career in various volunteer positions, i started working in non-profits part time in addition to starbucks, and i quickly realized that service is really what i live for, so i applied to grad school again, this time for social work. one of the questions on the application was how we've experienced discrimination/oppression in our lives. here's what i wrote...

In my social service experience, I have been very fortunate to encounter many diverse individuals, communities and situations that many people my age have not. Unfortunately, as an educated, white individual from a relatively wealthy family, I have had little experience with discrimination and oppression from society. One may wonder why I describe this as ‘unfortunate’, and I think my answer is simple; I do not have the ability to empathize with individuals who have experienced discrimination and oppression in the same way that they can empathize with one another. I certainly can sympathize with them, but I have learned in my experiences that sympathy doesn’t really do much good, as individuals who have experienced discrimination and oppression often don’t want to accept sympathy from those who haven’t experienced it, and rightfully so....

...substitute 'discrimination and oppression' with 'adversity' every time it appears in that part of my essay, and it's almost scary that i wrote that seven months before i was diagnosed with cancer. so, while my education is on hold, i think it's clear that i needed a year of 'life experience' to make me a better, more compassionate person. this year off from school, i believe, is really more valuable than anything i will learn in school. and, i really do believe that it happened right before i started my master's for a reason. i know this experience is a personal one, but i really think the 'reason' for all of it is to help me help others.

so...there is is. i can't reflect on everything that's happened in the past couple years and not see the path i think i'm supposed to be on. i feel so confident in where i'm headed, and it's really the first time in my life i haven't questioned whether or not i'm doing the right thing. and, it gives so much purpose to dealing with cancer.... while some people focus on how it has upset their lives, i choose to focus on how it's really changed my life for the better. it's all in perspective, i guess...