September 29, 2009

cognitive dissonance at it's finest...

cognitive dissonance, simply, is when your thoughts, ideas, values, etc. don't align with one another. in this case, i have had, until now, two very strong thoughts...i feel healthy and i have cancer.

you, apparently, can't think these two things simultaneously during treatment.

there's no way to describe it, and i didn't fully understand it until this weekend. the ugly truth about cancer...if you're not sick at diagnosis, treatment will surely change that. no hint of optimism can carry even this bundle of joy through a weekend of treatment induced misery. it sucks. i can't even color a little positivity into it. it ranks right next to bone marrow biopsy on the list of 'worst things you can go through'. it's terrible, and it's the soundtrack to life for the next six months. however, each treatment is a course of fourteen days...i had three bad days, and i'm looking forward to the next eleven wonderful days. then, i'll do it all over again. why? easy. i'll do whatever i need to so that cancer doesn't win.

i can tell you one thing that's for certain...i will forever appreciate every single day, and will always be aware that on the days i feel healthy, someone, somewhere is feeling sick...and i'll think of that and remember that 'it could be worse'.


  1. Gracie I found as the chemo did its work that I DID feel healthier/better? down the road. Mainly the fatigue I had from the disease started to wane. I noticed I wasn't just worn out at the end of the day, needing tons of sleeep. There was chemo fatigue, but it was different.

  2. Hi! You don't know me, but my brother passed this link on to me because he thought it would help. I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma on Thursday, and I start chemo on Tuesday. I'm terrified to start, but reading this helps. I'm not looking forward to the potential of 3 days' misery (let's be honest.. I'm hoping for 1), but like you said.. I've gotta do what I've gotta do. And thank you so much for doing what you did in writing this. In your first post you said you hoped someone would benefit from reading this. I just want you to know that, though I'm sure I'm not the only one, someone has.